My butt was hurting.
I had a feeling something bad was going to happen.
Usually my butt aches in the morning from butt poundings from Father.
But my butt wasn't aching.
It was hurting today.
Oh dear God.
Something terrible is going to happen.
Mother barged in.
She told me to get the fuck up and dressed up.
I smiled at her.
She used nice language this morning.
Usually she'd say worse things.
Which is weird.
Because today was suppose to be terrible.
But Mother wasn't acting terrible at all.
Strange.
Very strange.
Father then walked in.
He had something behind his back.
I had an idea what it was.
Usually it's a long purple object that shakes like a phone does when someone texts you.
He sticks it up my buttocks.
He tells me it's what nurses do to patients to make sure they can poop right.
Apparently father tells me I've been pooping wrong a lot lately ever since I was born.
I don't want to argue with him though.
Father's been my nurse and doctor ever since I was born.
Father says he learned about this stuff on the web.
The spider web in our backyard that Father eats that gives him hallucogenic visions.
And I was right.
It was the purple object.
Accompanied by some strange capsules.
Father told me to take them.
I asked why.
He told me because he's having other doctors and nurses to come and examine me for about an hour.
Then came in a really big bald guy with a purple muscle shirt with the word LUCKY on it.
He spoke to me.
His voice sounded like Samuel L Jackson.
"You feeling lucky boi?"
I felt reassured.
I like his voice.
It reminded me of Samuel L Jackson.
Oh I wish Samuel L Jackson could've had his way with me.
I'd love for him to stick his snakes in my plane.
I took the pills without hesitating.
I fell asleep right away.
I woke up in my room.
Except I think I was dreaming.
Because I noticed that a heffalump was sitting in the corner of my room.
I don't like heffalumps.
Which made me realized something.
I'm in a nightmare.
The heffalump walked up to me and offered me drunkened apples with a glass of Red Bull.
How did he know I liked drunkened apples with redbull on the side?
This nightmare is getting worse.
And then he showed me something.
Something very hideous.
Something so freaking hideous.
It was a picture of Emmoar and Janice holding hands.
It freaked me out so much.
Because I hate it when girls touch.
I hate girl on girl.
I think it's disgusting.
Actually.
I hate girls.
Period.
I was screaming out loud.
Really loud.
So loud that the heffalump's head exploded into confetti.
The confetti touched my skin.
My skin turned into warm fuzzy socks.
Oh my god.
This nightmare is getting worse.
Because the fuzzy socks were seafoam blue colored.
I hate seafoam blue.
I screamed out louder.
and louder.
and louder.
and loudr.
and LOUDER.
Then I woked up.
I was laying face down.
Which was weird.
Because I remember being faced up.
And something even weirder.
I didn't remember having my pants down.
And something a lot weirder than that happened.
A big fat man with the pink muscleshirt with the word Lucky on it that sounded like Samuel L Jackson was laying on top of me with his pants off too sweating a giant cloud of sweat and grease and drool accompanied by a strong husky scent of love making mixed with a hint of farts.
And something a lot more weirder than that happened.
I was on top of Father.
Oh.
My.
God.
I've never been on top of Father before.
Today can't be a terrible day.
Today HAD to have been a good day.
But what was up with my dream.
I forgot what I dremt about.
Until Father had a elephant earring in his right ear.
HEFFALUMPS.
I REMEMBERED NOW.
I pushed the man on top of me away.
I held my dad and put him in his bed.
And then I proceeded to put a blanket and a pillow over him.
I kissed him good morning.
Then I ran outside and into the park.
Janice and Emmoar liked playing in the park.
I don't know why though.
They said it's better than being at home where bad things happened.
I don't know what's so bad about their home though.
They told me they had wolves there.
I like wolves though.
Especially when they gnaw on your special area and you had to get a new one from the doctors that Father hires.
And then I saw them. Janice was trying to push Emmoar off the swing.
She didn't had any luck though.
Emmoar glued her butt to the seat.
I don't know why she does that.
I remember Father told me that Emmoar was a bit special in the head.
And then I remember Mother told me she was just fucking stupid.
I remember ignoring what MOther said though.
Because I like it when the word special is used.
It makes people feel good.
That's why I always tell Emmoar that she's special whenever I remember about that moment.
Which is now.
I walked up to Emmoar and told her she was special.
She drooled on Janice's head.
Then they said Hi to me.
I ignored their Hi's.
I told them about the awful dream I had with the two of them holding hands.
They said ew.
I said ew.
Then I noticed Janice was dressed weird.
She dressed really weird.
She had a blue robe on.
Like she was a blue wizard or something.
And she had a blue hat on too.
With a rope on the end.
I laughed at her.
She wasn't laughing back.
I asked her why did she dressed so funny.
Janice told me she graduated.
I asked her what's graduated.
She told me that's when you finished hischool and you go to college right away.
Weird.
I've never heard of graduated before.
I always thoguht you'd be in hischool forever and ever because it's the best years of the rest of your life.
I asked her when she was leaving for college.
Emmoar burped.
She burped out the word Sunday.
Janice howled that awful hiena lalugh of hers.
That's weird.
Today.
Is.
Sunday.
Janice is leaving today.
My lips curled upward.
Today can't be a bad day.
It can't be a bad day at all.
The girl that's been crazy about me.
Since the first time I blogged about her.
Is going away forever.
Tears fell down my face.
I licked them up.
They were delicious.
Janice was sad though.
She told me she is going to miss everyone even though they won't miss her.
Then she held her arms out like she wanted to hug me.
I hissed like a snake and grabbed some grass and threw it at her.
She asked what's wrong.
I told her I don't like her!
she said today's her last day and she just wants a hug.
I don't like hugs.
Hugs are evil.
It said so in the Bible father wrote to me.
Janice was sad.
She was real sad.
I can tell.
Because her orange skin turned blue.
Ew.
Blue.
I tapped her on the shoulder.
That's how I hug.
She walked away leavinag me and Emmoar on the swing.
Emmoar was still drooling and breathing heavily.
How did I know?
My feet were soaked in it.
It smelle grotesque.
But it tasted good.
There's no way that today can be horrible.
I grabbed a handfuls of it and carried it home.
I gave some to Father and Mother.
Mother said this tasted like shit.
Father said this would make good loob.
I don't knowk what loob is.
But all I know is that after Father is done with me he told me to whipe up all the extra loob.
Whatever it is.
I kept eating them.
They were delicious.
Then I left to get a drink of some diet dog piss.
Then something happened at that moment that I didn't found out until I wrote this blog.
Father slipped some spider web into my Emmoar Drool Porridge.
Anyways.
I came back and ate it.
Then I had hallucogenic visions.
I saw Jesus.
I'm serious.
I saw Jesus.
He was hovering over me.
He was glowing too.
He was radiant.
His long beautiful hair went down to his shoulders.
I tried to speak to him.
But I couldn't.
Whenever I spoke I garbled and mumbled.
It was strange.
I looked up.
As I inspected again.
I realized why.
His 9 foot long penis was stuck in my mouth.
Jesus whipped it out and stood on the ground.
He had something to tell me.
He told me that I can't let Janice leave.
I asked him why and then I told him how ugly she is and how orange isn't a natural skin color and she needs to die off so her jeans won't get passed on to her kids.
She really does have horrible tastes in jeans.
He told me that she's the chosen one.
I said what.
He repeated again that she was the chosen one.
I whiped the white fluids off of my ears from the pink shirted man and asked him to repeat it again.
He told me that she's the chosen one.
I said chosen for what.
He said that Janice Dullivan is chosen to be God's new voice to speak to his children.
I said why did he pick her.
Jesus told me that he couldn't find any one of his creations that had such an annoying loud voice that could catch the attention of others easily until he found out about her on craigslist.
Apparently God found out about that time I posted a want ad on Craigslist about Janice.
It was a want ad about needing help exterminating a really loud annoying chick that needs to learn how to shut up.
Jesus told me that since she likes me, I can persuade her easily to stay.
I asked him why does it matter if she stays or leaves.
Jesus told me that our city was built on a mass indian burial site.
I asked him what does that have to do with it.
Jesus told me that God created indians so that they can make curry and fight cowboys.
I asked again what does that have to do with it.
Jesus told me that God likes to eat curry and play cowboys vs indians.
I asked why.
Jesus told me to shut the fuck up and stop asking questions.
I silenced myself.
Then JEsus told me that God wants to come down to our city only and no where else because they're shit and he should've blew them up.
He told me that if he decides to blow up the other cities he can't blow them up with Janice in them because he needs her.
I was confused so I said okay.
Jesus told me I have an hour to stop her.
I asked why.
Jesus grabbed his 9 foot penis and told me he was going beat me with it if I don't shut up.
I said okay.
I've been beatened with penises before.
But nothing over 2 foot tall before.
I don't want to mention about the 1 and the 11th foot penis that slapped me before.
I really don't want to mention it.
ANYWAYS and then Jesus told me I have to do it or else.
I said or else what.
He told me he'd turn me into a hipster.
I was freaking out.
I can't be a hipster.
I don't want to be a hipster.
A hipster is basically a grown up version of an emo.
I don't want to grow up yet.
I said yes right away.
He said good.
He he put his hands together and nodded his head.
Then he dissapeared.
I got out of my seat and ran out to the park right away.
Today is turning out somewhat terrible.
I saw Emmoar at the park.
She was still sitting there glued.
She said Hi Andy.
She was still breathing loud.
The entire sand aroudn her was caved in water.
It was like she's stuck on an island or something.
I asked her where's Janice.
She told me that Janice is at home right now.
I was about to dash right away to go get her.
But Janice let out a cry.
The cry that you usually hear Orca Whales do.
I understood the language though.
Because I watched all of the Free Willies.
She wanted to be rescued.
I didn't hesitate.
I grabbed my trusty emo knife and climbed up the swing set, cut the chains, and carried her to Janice's house by the chains.s
I was the horse of the chariot.
She was the roman general that's whipping me and telling me where to go.
Except I know where I'm going.
And she doesn't.
We got to Janice's house.
There was a truck outside.
Weird that there was a truck outside.
I looked inside the truck.
There was a bunch of Janice related things.
I had to put a stop to this right away.
I grabbed a bunch of gasoline and doused all over the stuff and lit it on fire.
Emmoar was screaming and hollaring.
I looked at her.
She was sweating abnormally a lot.
Her tears were streaming down her face.
I couldn't tell whether she was crying or trying to breathe really loudly and annoyingly.
I tried to calm her down by telling her she was special.
But she pushed me into the open flame.
That dirty bitch.
Then Janice came out and used her gorilla strength to save me from the flames.
I was thinking about why Janice pushed me in there.
I was wondering why.
Then I remembred.
She almost died last time whenss she was set on fire.
Whoops.
My bad.
Janice looked at me.
She looked mad.
I knew.
Because her skin turned as red as the flames.
She yelled at me asking what I did that for.
I told her that I did it to keep her here.
Her mouth dropped.
I think she was surprised.
I should've told her about Jesus telling me that God wants her to be here so he can keep her and have her be his new voice.
But I didn't.
She ran up and hugged me.
It burnt.
It burnt my skin a lot.
I piushed her away right away.
She was squealing and squeaking.
She was so happy that she didn't get to go.
She said she didn't want to go.
She was going because she couldn't win my love.
She doesn't know it yet but I don't have any love in it.
That's the bad part about being emo.
She told me she was so happy.
I was like sure whatever.
Then Jesus came back out through the bush.
I was freaking out.
I knew he was coming back.
Oh my god.
I hope he doesn't slap me with his dick.
Jesus told me that I've done a very good job and god will be pleased.
Yes.
Today's not going to be horrible and I won't get my face slapped by a 9 foot penis.
And then it happened.
The cops showed up and arrested him.
The cops said that they were looking for a phony that's been impostering as Jesus and trying to get little kids to his so called heaven and cut their limbs off.
I was shocked.
I could've really got rid of Janice Dullivan once and for all.
Janice told me she's staying forever now that she knows that I love her.
Then my butt hurt.
This is why today was going to be terrible.
No.
Now everyday is going to be terrible.
Because Janice is staying.
For good.
I heard a husky breathing down my back.
It was Emmoar.
Smiling at me.
She was missingn two teeth.
It was kind of gross.
So I did what I had to do.
I jumped in the fire and pretended I was dead and moved to Alabama.
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